It has been a little over a year since our son, Mark, passed away from a fentanyl overdose. One of my recurring thoughts is how I had failed him. Leigh tells me there isn't any truth to that thought, or feeling, and yet it bounces around in my head quite regularly. Mark is no longer with us - I failed as a father.
He lived with us, on and off, for most of his life, even during some of the time he was married. He always had a warm place to sleep, if needed; food to eat, if needed; medical care and a ride to his groups and meetings - in spite of our schedule or plans. If he needed us, we were there. Except ...
There is no telling about the events of June 1, 2019 - no telling at all. Would the outcome have been different if we were home? He died - at home - alone.
And that's when the thought creeps back into my mind - I failed as a father. He had my love. He had whatever material resource we could provide. He needed my protection. I tried.
This feeling will probably be with me until the day I die. Maybe then there will be some peace. Until then, this feeling will haunt me on and off. I failed as a father.
And then there is the real truth. Our son, Mark, knew the Lord Jesus Christ. Mark had his problems, and God only know why he kept using drugs - we certainly do not understand it. Leigh and I went to church with our children, instilled in them the desire for the Holy One. In this I did not fail.
No, you did not fail! Like you said, you instilled in Mark the love of Jesus and that's the most important of all! Mark had the disease of addiction, that's why he died. The Lord came and got him because He knew Mark had had enough - he was not alone.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been to support groups for child loss. We all have in common - guilt, failure. Whether a child died of illness, there is the feeling of I should have chosen a different treatment, accident-I shouldn’t have let them go. And on and on. Lee died of a heart attack due to condition we knew nothing about - I should have known.
ReplyDeleteWe spend years protecting them and then we feel like we failed because we couldn’t save them. It’s a horrible feeling and I struggle with this daily. I’m just thankful he isn’t fighting demons anymore and he is at peace but there will always be that guilt. I’m so sorry.
Chuck, I am so glad to have found this blog. Yes, I'm sure you failed as a father from time to time. You probably forgot the name of his 3rd favorite band in the same month when he was 14. You probably.failed to show up on time once In a while. But no ... his loss was not your fault. Sometimes we have wounds we cannot even identify, some thing that happened that felt like little death and was so insignificant we forget it. Sometimes something huge and horrible that we don't tell those we love because it would hurt them and it was never their fault. I see you rarely, but I know bad fathers, i have one, a piece or human garbage that didn't deserve to ever have kids. But you my beautiful souled friend, if I can see love for me in your eyes when we haven't talked for years, then no, I know your son saw it a thousand times more. You didn't fail him. The world we inherited did, the society that refuses to even look at itself did, the idea that we are less when we are wounded programmed into all men by our narcissists in charge did.
ReplyDeleteBut you. Not ever. The pain I saw when I ran into you at the store still cuts me. No failure as a father would carry that wound in the open for so long.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had reconnected with you sooner before your son decided to leave, and the lord decided to let him. I will be contacting you soon. There is a good fight to fight and we need brothers in arms, shield men against darkness.
Thank you so much for those kind words, and it is a good thing to share these with the world. So many parents, family, and friends feel the same way - failure. We know that is truly not the case as we have loved them the best way we knew how.
DeleteAs far as bands - from the time he was a teenager, he really like the Grateful Dead, Phish, the Doors, and before he passed, he had acquired a taste for the Zack Brown Band.
And Amen - there is a good fight to fight, and we definitely need brothers in arms to help shield others against the Darkness. Saint Michael, the ArchAngel, defend us in battle ...
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