The Pain Keeps Coming!

 Just when you think the pain 'might' be manageable

Just when you think you could breathe a little

WHAM!

A letter comes.
It says the person who sold our son fentanyl, disguised as heroin, is being released from jail. They have served their time.

OH YEAH? Our serving our time with our grief NEVER ENDS!
The ambushing waves of grief never stop! Never fade! 

Always hurt!      Always Hurt!      Always Hurt!

Leigh and I pray those who are selling drugs - KILLING PEOPLE SLOWLY - would find another line of work, another business. 

We cannot find an end to our pain, our grief, the anticipation of no new memories, and the pain of holding onto memories! The grief we feel NEVER ENDS.

Mail, Mail, and More Mail

 Today the mailman delivered another letter; another letter addressed to Mark. Each time a new piece of correspondence comes for him, the wound is reopened, the scars cut new, fresh blood flows, and the cycle repeats itself - over and over and over. 

Fines owed for traffic tickets, monies owed on utility bills, and other unsettled debts are more than prevalent with someone who has a substance use disorder - this isn't news for anyone who has lived with this person. 

Grief becomes more and more compounded as each new inquiry, letter, or collection threat comes in the daily mail. Letters sent back in reply about our loved ones passing go unacknowledged, and then more letters arrived. The cycle continues in the world of depersonalized automation where 'systems' do not connect and data is just not updated. 

Just how long will this continue?

Substance Use Disorder: Stress in Relationships

 Our son, Mark, passed on June 1, 2019 from a drug overdose. There are no easy ways to talk about addiction, substance use disorder.

Short term stress occurs in the presence of financial problems, health issues, employment concerns, marital relationships, or even in the midst of political campaigns. Typically the stress resolves in a 'reasonable' amount of time, not always favorably to all involved, but there is resolution.

With substance use disorder, the stress is more often longer term, over years, not months, and reaches deep into family and friend relationships. Each of us deals differently with this long term stress. Perhaps it affects parents most of all, and as each person is their own individual, it affects each person, husband, wife, or partner to a different degree, depending on the time, day, or season. And then the questions, the questions which repeatedly come to mind:  what time would he be home? Who was he with? Where was he? Was he safe? Later would come the questions is he okay, or is he in jail? The worst question was:  is he alive? 

One day we knew that answer.

All too often couples lose sight of the needs of their relationship first, and become enabling or codependent with the person with the substance use disorder, and either one or the other, or both, may fall into this pitfall. This often leads to the questions do we become addicted ourselves to the stress and drama in our relationship with the person with substance use disorder, and need our daily 'fix' of worry, drama, or heightened concern? Do we lose sight of the negative impact of long term stress, or do we think, incorrectly, that experiencing this personal stress may lead to their recovery, as if this is a necessary sacrifice on our part? (Chronic Effects of Long Term Stress)

Each person with substance use disorder finds their own path to recovery, or does not. Our stress adds nothing to their recovery. Our stress damages ourselves, and our relationship with each other. Sadly, the person with substance use disorder does not always recognize this interpersonal stress, which their family or friends experience, and if they do, it does not add anything to their recovery, and may even heighten their own worry about recovery. (Stress in Recovery). 

It seems one of the milestones of treatment leading to recovery should also include parents, family, and friends, and dealing with their interpersonal stress as a result of substance use disorder.