Grief: A Point of View of a Parent

Grief's Black Hole

Leigh and I would like to share a different point of view this time. As parents, we have experienced grief from a different viewpoint.

Some may think the passing of a loved one is the starting point of grief's pain. This is not the case with some with a substance abuse disorder.





The story of Mark's troubles, and our grief, began when we first learned he was using opiates, and this misuse was out of his control. We had so many questions. Where do we turn for help? Is there help? What do we really know about substance abuse disorders? How can we help him stay alive? Sadly, this was the beginning of our story of pain and anxiety, as at that time there were no solid resources for answering our questions and concerns.

We talked to doctors. What treatments are there? At that time, about eighteen (18) years ago, suboxone was just on the market, quite expensive, and there were hardly any doctors who were certified in prescribing this medication. Doctors would come, doctors would go. We struggled to pay for the suboxone after Mark was no longer on our health insurance. Where could Mark find the next doctor? How could we afford the medicine? Are you getting the picture? We began to feel like we were caught up in the spider's web as well.

We talked with rehabilitation and went to NA and NarAnon meetings. Sometimes these discussions helped, and sometimes the conversations were taken over with folks who were not using, but wishing they still were, leading to our frustration. Weren't the folks leading the meetings trained to lead them? How could they let the meeting be pirated by these people? This was NOT helping us AT ALL.

We listened to Mark - constantly. We saw his pain, his tears, his frustration, his hope, and finally his fear as he recognized his body and brain were changing. We worried for him, tried to help him find hope, and tried to help him get health insurance so he could get into treatment. Where were the resources on the long term physiological effects of substance abuse? Why does the health insurance industry treat substance abuse disorders like a short term disease? Why is there blame assigned to those folks with a substance abuse disorder? We don't blame people for having cancer, do we?

And then, June 1st, 2019 - Mark died from an overdose. We have not stopped feeling pain every day - most others we speak with say we will never stop feeling this pain. We will never stop having unanswered questions and what could we have done differently.

This pain is like a black hole that sucks the life out of us.

It pains us when we hear people advocating to legalize all drugs. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!!!!! DON'T YOU KNOW THIS STUFF IS KILLING PEOPLE EVERY DAY? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IF SO, YOU ARE SICK, SICK, SICK!!

It hurts us deeply to hear others stories, and it seems there is not one family currently that is NOT affected by death from substance abuse disorder. How can the leaders of our government, at all levels, ignore this sad fact? THE DEATH OF ONE PERSON FROM A SUBSTANCE ABUSE DISORDER AFFECTS THE WHOLE FAMILY, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

Little things, big things, small events, even smells trigger unbelievable pain and grief as we remember Mark.

This pain is like a black hole that has sucked the life out of us - for years.