Grief: A Point of View of a Parent

Grief's Black Hole

Leigh and I would like to share a different point of view this time. As parents, we have experienced grief from a different viewpoint.

Some may think the passing of a loved one is the starting point of grief's pain. This is not the case with some with a substance abuse disorder.





The story of Mark's troubles, and our grief, began when we first learned he was using opiates, and this misuse was out of his control. We had so many questions. Where do we turn for help? Is there help? What do we really know about substance abuse disorders? How can we help him stay alive? Sadly, this was the beginning of our story of pain and anxiety, as at that time there were no solid resources for answering our questions and concerns.

We talked to doctors. What treatments are there? At that time, about eighteen (18) years ago, suboxone was just on the market, quite expensive, and there were hardly any doctors who were certified in prescribing this medication. Doctors would come, doctors would go. We struggled to pay for the suboxone after Mark was no longer on our health insurance. Where could Mark find the next doctor? How could we afford the medicine? Are you getting the picture? We began to feel like we were caught up in the spider's web as well.

We talked with rehabilitation and went to NA and NarAnon meetings. Sometimes these discussions helped, and sometimes the conversations were taken over with folks who were not using, but wishing they still were, leading to our frustration. Weren't the folks leading the meetings trained to lead them? How could they let the meeting be pirated by these people? This was NOT helping us AT ALL.

We listened to Mark - constantly. We saw his pain, his tears, his frustration, his hope, and finally his fear as he recognized his body and brain were changing. We worried for him, tried to help him find hope, and tried to help him get health insurance so he could get into treatment. Where were the resources on the long term physiological effects of substance abuse? Why does the health insurance industry treat substance abuse disorders like a short term disease? Why is there blame assigned to those folks with a substance abuse disorder? We don't blame people for having cancer, do we?

And then, June 1st, 2019 - Mark died from an overdose. We have not stopped feeling pain every day - most others we speak with say we will never stop feeling this pain. We will never stop having unanswered questions and what could we have done differently.

This pain is like a black hole that sucks the life out of us.

It pains us when we hear people advocating to legalize all drugs. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!!!!! DON'T YOU KNOW THIS STUFF IS KILLING PEOPLE EVERY DAY? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IF SO, YOU ARE SICK, SICK, SICK!!

It hurts us deeply to hear others stories, and it seems there is not one family currently that is NOT affected by death from substance abuse disorder. How can the leaders of our government, at all levels, ignore this sad fact? THE DEATH OF ONE PERSON FROM A SUBSTANCE ABUSE DISORDER AFFECTS THE WHOLE FAMILY, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

Little things, big things, small events, even smells trigger unbelievable pain and grief as we remember Mark.

This pain is like a black hole that has sucked the life out of us - for years.

Close the Borders

This post is definitely more controversial, and may spark controversy, and disagreement.
Whatever the case may be, it seems to me we could all agree there are too many drugs coming into this country, and opiates are all too easy to acquire.
Even the liberal bastion CNN carried the report of the 20 ton cocaine seizure in Philadelphia.




This letter went to our representatives in government on Friday, June 28, 2019.

"Our son, Mark David Kinsey, died unexpectedly on Saturday, June 1, 2019 from a lethal drug overdose. We mourn his loss and have seen the grief and devastation his death has caused to us, his parents, the entire family, friends, first responders, and the entire community.

The borders of our nation are porous, wide open to drug dealers, mules, drug traffickers, and the cartels. You have allowed this poison to enter our country, our states, our counties, our towns, villages, and rural countryside. It poisons our children, kills them, and destroys our families. You have had the opportunity to close the borders, cooperate with law enforcement, cooperate with the President, and yet have refused to do so because of partisan politics at its worst. You have placed your own selfish desires and self-interests above the good of native born American citizens, desiring the favor of those in our country ILLEGALLY, and their possible ILLEGAL votes. Vermin are constantly smuggling drugs into our country every day. These drugs are killing our families.

Build the walls, close the borders, and get the drug floodgates closed!

We hold you responsible for Mark’s tragic death.

Sincerely yours,




Charles and Leigh Kinsey

CC:  President Trump, Vice President Pence, Senator Schumer, Senator Gillibrand, Representative Collins, Governor Cuomo, State Senator Ortt, NY State Assemblyman Hawley, Orleans County Legislature"

Change the Law

This is the letter sent to President Trump, Governor Cuomo, Senators Schumer and Gillibrand, Representative Collins, State Senator Ortt, Assemblyman Hawley, and the Orleans County Legislature.

There are those who claim that drugs are a victim-less crime. Leigh and I cannot agree. We disagree vehemently. Where drugs are involved, everyone pays the piper!


"Our son, Mark David Kinsey, died unexpectedly on Saturday, June 1, 2019 from a lethal drug overdose. We mourn his loss and have seen the grief and devastation his death has caused to us, his parents, the entire family, friends, first responders, and the entire community.

Sentences for selling drugs which result in death are too lenient. People who sell drugs which result in a person’s death are guilty of murder, and should not be charged less than first degree murder. Selling drugs as a source of income is a willful activity, and the sale of these poisons is done with full knowledge of the consequences of use. All too often the news reports of ‘slap on the wrist’ charges, or no charges at all, as these people are often used as ‘confidential informants’, and these ‘confidential informants’ continue selling drugs, and killing who knows whom! How many more people need to die from this epidemic of poison? There needs to be a drastic change in the law.

My wife and I cared for Mark as best we could. We took him to counseling, rehabilitation, doctor’s appointments, paid for his medicines when he could not work, provided him with a place to live multiple times over the years, and loved him with all our heart. We did our part to care for Mark, and even ignored our relationship at times as his need was so great. Even with our extended effort, the poison took Mark. The time for debate is over. You know what needs to be done. The time for action is now!

We hold you responsible for Mark’s tragic death.

Sincerely yours,




Charles and Leigh Kinsey"

Dealing With Grief

Face it.

Grief sucks.

Nasty. 

Overwhelming.

Sometimes consuming.

It has its way - for a day, week, month, year - or more.

It ambushes you in the most unlikely spots (Thanks to Janis).

Ambushing grief waves.

A boon to the tissue companies.

Heartbreaking. Overpowering.

Grief can be so devastating to our health it can actually kill (Broken Heart Syndrome). 

Grief drives us to our knees, sometimes in complete despair, sometimes in seeking relief in prayer.

Grief can erase memory, of passing of time, events, comfort and solace given.

Face it. Grief sucks.

Leigh and I have been dealing with this devastating grief, sense of loss, overpowering ambushing grief waves since Saturday, June 1st. We have no memory of the night, except for crying and prayer, nor of the ride home, except for crying and prayer. We did not want to sleep on Sunday, and have real difficulty with the evening hours since then. Evening hours are family hours, when we often call our children, and grandchildren, or interact with them over social media. Now we are one short - there is one missing. 

Intermixed with these feelings of grief are also feelings of relief. No more hiding medicines, locking doors, hiding valuables, wondering where he is, what he is doing, is he safe? We had little to no awareness of the accommodations and adaptations we had made in our home to help him. We made these changes simply because we wanted to help, because we cared, because we love him. Our counselor has told us this feeling of relief is natural. 

Guilt? Oh man, do we have guilt, and plenty to spare! Why weren't we home with him? Maybe we could have helped him? Why was he alone? All these questions, and more have echoed in our minds. Never mind that we have a life, that visiting our other children and grandchildren could have a place in our life. Our counselor says this is natural as well. 

One day at a time has taken on new meaning. Sometimes it feels like second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour. And then, once again, this terrible sense of despair, tragedy, and hopelessness crawls up and consumes. 

Face it. Grief sucks.

Marijuana Is a Gateway Drug

Gateway To Hell

This is the second letter sent to President Trump, Senators Schumer and Gillibrand, Representative Collins, State Senator Ortt, Assemblyman Hawley, and the Orleans County Legislature. My wife, Leigh, and I are of the opinion that marijuana is a gateway drug, and should not be legalized AT ALL! 

The NIH has published studies which clearly indicate marijuana is a gateway drug - Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug, and common sense also tells us overuse of alcohol and pills can lead to using stronger, and more lethal drugs.

"Our son, Mark David Kinsey, died unexpectedly on Saturday, June 1, 2019 from a lethal drug overdose. We mourn his loss and have seen the grief and devastation his death has caused to us, his parents, the entire family, friends, first responders, and the entire community.

Marijuana is a gateway drug. It is disheartening to see states advocating for legalizing and decriminalizing marijuana sale and possession. We have seen the effects of marijuana use in our son, Mark. It led to using stronger, and stronger drugs. Making tax money from the sale of marijuana makes the states just as responsible for Mark’s death as those who push the drugs. It is time to stop the madness and remove recreational marijuana from any consideration of legalization! Government and businesses are chasing the dollar signs without consideration for the human cost!

We hold you responsible for Mark’s tragic death.

Sincerely yours,

Charles and Leigh Kinsey"

Drugs are a National Emergency

The following letter has been sent to President Trump, Senator Schumer, Senator Gillibrand, Representative Collins, State Senator Ortt, Assemblyman Hawley, and the Orleans County Legislature. It is raw, straight, and to the point. Leigh and I seldom mince words - this is not one of those times. This is the first in a series of letters about the national emergency - the opioid crisis.

Our son, Mark David Kinsey, died unexpectedly on Saturday, June 1, 2019 from a lethal drug overdose. We mourn his loss and have seen the grief and devastation his death has caused to us, his parents, the entire family, friends, first responders, and the entire community.

We hold you responsible for his tragic death.

Mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers mourn the death of their loved ones because of this poison, and the horrible disease of addiction. Addiction is a national, state, and local problem. There is not enough allocation of budgets for treatment beds, community resources, first responder resources, prosecution and long term research into the chronic physiological effects of addiction. How many more of our children need to die, have to die, before there is a change in our public policy? Children have died, are dying, and will die from your inaction. Their blood is on your hands. You pay lip service to the dire nature of this problem, yet do nothing. This is a national emergency, and action is required.

We hold you responsible for Mark’s tragic death. 

Sincerely yours,


Charles and Leigh Kinsey

A Difficult Day

We met with the funeral director on Monday, June 3. Family and friends joined us there to plan the 'celebration' of Mark's life. Trust me - it did not feel like we were planning a 'celebration' at all. Mark's Obituary

Leigh and I spent some time alone with Mark, so did his sisters and brothers, and his girlfriend. We then spent more time alone with him, and it was very difficult to leave him.

Monday came and went, Tuesday came and went, and then Wednesday morning came. Leigh and I prepared for the wake and funeral. Numbness took hold of us, and it seemed as though we were carried along on the tide of grief and tears.

The service was beautiful. Our son, Michael, conducted the service, and friends and family shared funny stories, personal moments, and tender words. We also shared our witness to the our Lord Jesus Christ who carried us. So many small items were in the casket, placed there by family and friends - a hat, a crucifix, a small piece of crystal, story books - so many items which meant so much to him.

The rest happened so slowly, the trip to the cemetery, the graveside service, and yet it was over in a heartbeat. Again, it was so difficult to leave him. The realization we would never hear his voice, see his beautiful smile, share another meal with him has struck us both time and time again, and has driven us to our knees. Our cousin Janis call this phenomenon - "ambushing grief waves". No thank you by the way, but yet it happens.

This has been the most difficult time we have ever experienced, and yet we are so thankful for the love of family, friends, and our Lord who have sustained us. We hope in sharing this journey that your faith would be strengthened as well. God bless you all.

Tears Upon Tears ...

Friends have asked 'How are you doing?' My reply to them was "On day one, I couldn't stop crying at all. Day two, it was ever minute, day three, every five minutes, the day of the funeral, every ten minutes, day five, every fifteen minutes." Honestly, a random picture or a smell, even a word has brought me to my knees in tears, and then in prayer.

Family joined us at the funeral home to prepare for Mark's service, and there were tears. They joined us for breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and there were tears. We shared memories, stories, and there were tears.

Leigh and I have been brought to tears with the overwhelming support from our family, our friends, our parish and the surrounding community.

We anticipate that someday soon, our tears of sadness will be tears of joy, and we will be reunited with our loved ones who have gone before us. In Psalms 30 verse 5 King David of old shares with us "... Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Someday soon we hope - someday soon.

The Start of a Difficult Journey

Last Saturday evening, June 1, 2019, about 9:30 PM began one of the most difficult journeys my wife Leigh and I have ever experienced, and pray we never have to experience again. Our son, Charles, called me to tell me our son, Mark, was deceased. There is no easy way to hear that. There is no easy way to process that information, or to share that with the woman you love. Her baby boy, her precious youngest son, Mark, is dead.

The ensuing panic, crying, moaning, wailing, flailing, consumed us both, for hours. The hours have turned into days, and now into a second week, probably with many more to come. We prayed it wasn't so, that perhaps there was a mistake. Not Mark? Not Mark! All too true, all too gruesome.

We were in Albany visiting our oldest, Anna, and her husband, Doug, and our grandchildren Jessica and Aidan. Neither of us could drive our car home - it is about a five hour drive - we could not focus. I don't even remember packing to come home. Eventually we were back in Clarendon - don't ask me how.

Family came together. There were many tears, hugs, more tears, more hugs, prayers, and then more prayers. Too many questions, not enough answers. Leigh and I sought solace in praying with each other, and alone, and grieving with each other, and alone. Still too many questions, never enough answers. What were we to do? No idea, no concept.

Our children stepped up and took over for their Mother and Father. We who had been so strong and resolute for them over so many years, had no strength of our own. Anna, Charles, Thomas, and Michael stood in our place and took over caring not only for us, but also for Mark. Words cannot express our love for them, and their love for their brother, and for us. What a wonderful woman is our daughter, Anna, and such wonderful men are our sons, Charles, Thomas, Michael, and Mark.

The coming days would continue to test us even more.