Grief Goes On And On

Leigh wrote this as a post on Facebook. 

"This and more just never stops! We miss our Mark Kinsey so much! I thought I was stronger than this! Yes, I am having a pity party and I'm mad! Thank goodness I have Jesus and He comforts me, but this time of year is so very hard. My husband, children and grandchildren are my life. There is nothing more precious than this, but when you lose a child and grandchild it sneaks up on you every. single. day! Doesn't matter what time of day or night or where you are, it just happens. Then I'm down on my knees praying to our Father and He never fails to assure me my loved ones are with Him. For that I am grateful! There are several other Moms out there who live with this every day. Know you and yours are being prayed for and that our Lord will comfort you also."

Chuck:  The grief pit of despair seems bottomless on many days. Without faith, how would we survive? It is more than just putting one foot in front of the other; surviving grief means looking to an outside source for strength and encouragement.

Family Pictures

We had a family gathering last weekend to celebrate birthdays - our grandson's 13th, and my 70th. It was a very special day. Cake, ice cream, family gathered and sharing, guitar music - we couldn't ask for a more special day. Our daughter from Albany surprised us with a visit - this made us both cry!

And ... we took many pictures to capture the day, and a special one of four of our smiling, loving, happy children together.

It hit me again this morning!

No Mark. He wasn't here. He should be there with his sister and brothers, laughing and smiling. He wasn't there. Stupid damn drugs!

Stupid drugs, heroin, fentanyl, and marijuana took him away from his loving family. 

Stupid people who sold him drugs as a living, stupid drugs misused and mass produced to make money.

He needed help. So many need help. 

The government preaches 'OPIOID CRISIS'; their money is not where there mouth is! Too many are caught and need help. Our voices must rise up together to transform inaction!!

We have to hope, and believe we will see him again when we pass from this earth. Maybe the pain will lessen. 

The Pain Keeps Coming!

 Just when you think the pain 'might' be manageable

Just when you think you could breathe a little

WHAM!

A letter comes.
It says the person who sold our son fentanyl, disguised as heroin, is being released from jail. They have served their time.

OH YEAH? Our serving our time with our grief NEVER ENDS!
The ambushing waves of grief never stop! Never fade! 

Always hurt!      Always Hurt!      Always Hurt!

Leigh and I pray those who are selling drugs - KILLING PEOPLE SLOWLY - would find another line of work, another business. 

We cannot find an end to our pain, our grief, the anticipation of no new memories, and the pain of holding onto memories! The grief we feel NEVER ENDS.

January 2022 Courage In The Face of Abject Grief

Courage in the face of grief, especially at the passing of a loved one, a son, daughter, or other family member may seem to be the last item one would need to consider. Emotions have run from denial to despair to acceptance within a brief time, multiple times a day, and perhaps courage would be the last emotion on the list to be given any consideration at all. In truth, courage may be one of the most important emotions to have, to gather, and to seek from others. 

 Why courage? Ronald Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer asks our Higher Power, God, to help us to focus on courage, “courage to change what must be altered”, especially when enduring stressful times. Thinking back over the events following our son Mark’s passing on June 1, 2019, there were so many times Leigh and I prayed for mercy, understanding, and used the Serenity Prayer (especially me! Along with the Hard As Nails prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”) to give us strength, and courage. Leigh and I needed courage to speak with others on the phone about Mark, plan his funeral and our eulogies, events following, and then to handle his material possessions. We both need courage every day to continue to advocate for others with a substance use disorder, and to help persons seeking grief recovery through Missing Angels. 

 Why courage? From a woman’s point of view, Leigh has said courage is needed as there are other children, grandchildren, and family who need comfort and care, and it is not possible to just give up. Waking up each morning and working through the day requires courage. 

 Why courage? From a man’s point of view, it takes courage to openly grieve in public, to let tears fall when they may. The male credo is all too often to ‘soldier on’, ‘stiff upper lip’. Grief and grieving are all too often not seen as part of manliness. Men need the opportunity to grieve, to share their sorrow, though many are very reluctant. 

 How is it possible to live this courage daily in the wake of a tragic loss? A standpoint from faith makes it possible to pursue serenity, and courage. Loved ones still with us can provide encouragement (see the ‘courage’ in there?), and focusing on our daily chores as opportunities for ministry to others can provide a different viewpoint. This is not an easy task, and some days will be almost impossible. Those left behind have a responsibility, an obligation, to continue to speak for those who somehow lost their voice in the struggle with addiction.

Mail, Mail, and More Mail

 Today the mailman delivered another letter; another letter addressed to Mark. Each time a new piece of correspondence comes for him, the wound is reopened, the scars cut new, fresh blood flows, and the cycle repeats itself - over and over and over. 

Fines owed for traffic tickets, monies owed on utility bills, and other unsettled debts are more than prevalent with someone who has a substance use disorder - this isn't news for anyone who has lived with this person. 

Grief becomes more and more compounded as each new inquiry, letter, or collection threat comes in the daily mail. Letters sent back in reply about our loved ones passing go unacknowledged, and then more letters arrived. The cycle continues in the world of depersonalized automation where 'systems' do not connect and data is just not updated. 

Just how long will this continue?

A Sequence of Days - 2 years later

 Day 1 seemed without end - tears, crying, holding each other, praying, saying the Rosary - both of us unable to function at all. Doug and Anna drove us home. Hours spent on the phone talking with family, sharing the bad news. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 2 is a blur. All the family met with the funeral director - a long time friend, never thinking this would be necessary - yet there we all were. Tears, crying, holding each other, more praying. We spent time with Mark. He was dressed in his favorite shirt and tie. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 3 saw more guests arrive to express their condolences. Some folks surprised us with special recognitions for Mark. It brings some comfort to know he is remembered forever in a special Mass the Marian Society offers. So much food we did not have to bother cooking - this meant we could spend time with each other and friends. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 4 was filled with anticipation, dread, more tears, crying, holding each other, more praying. We all prepared for THAT day, the next day. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

So many family and friends gathered together on Day 5. Some could barely contain the tears, others did not bother. Many shared stories about their beloved friend and brother - much laughter, much tears. Leigh was very brave as she spoke about Mark, I could not stop crying - still can´t. That final moment - none of us wanted to leave him - still cannot believe this happened - the acceptance is finally settling in, though sometimes we think about calling him or sending him a text. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

This scenario repeats itself year after year. The ¨ambushing waves of grief¨ capture us both and separately so many times during the day, and June 1st through June 5th have been especially difficult. So many family and friends remember with us to keep his memory alive, and we are so grateful for our faith, and the love of our Holy Mother, and our Father in Heaven. 

Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Thanks to Janis Gibbs for the ´ambushing waves of grief´. 

A Moment in Time Reprise

 Grief frozen in time.

Where is that precious moment of last contact?

And then memory replays the scene - the setting, the time of the day, the sounds - of their voice, the background noise, our last words, our last looks, the last conversation. These memories become welded, and engraved into our hearts. 

Nothing short of death will erase these memories from the land of the living, and then these memories will be transformed into the land of the never dying where new memories will form forever. 

There is no 'moving on' from these memories. They are meant to be held, and cherished as long as life lasts.