January 2022 Courage In The Face of Abject Grief

Courage in the face of grief, especially at the passing of a loved one, a son, daughter, or other family member may seem to be the last item one would need to consider. Emotions have run from denial to despair to acceptance within a brief time, multiple times a day, and perhaps courage would be the last emotion on the list to be given any consideration at all. In truth, courage may be one of the most important emotions to have, to gather, and to seek from others. 

 Why courage? Ronald Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer asks our Higher Power, God, to help us to focus on courage, “courage to change what must be altered”, especially when enduring stressful times. Thinking back over the events following our son Mark’s passing on June 1, 2019, there were so many times Leigh and I prayed for mercy, understanding, and used the Serenity Prayer (especially me! Along with the Hard As Nails prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”) to give us strength, and courage. Leigh and I needed courage to speak with others on the phone about Mark, plan his funeral and our eulogies, events following, and then to handle his material possessions. We both need courage every day to continue to advocate for others with a substance use disorder, and to help persons seeking grief recovery through Missing Angels. 

 Why courage? From a woman’s point of view, Leigh has said courage is needed as there are other children, grandchildren, and family who need comfort and care, and it is not possible to just give up. Waking up each morning and working through the day requires courage. 

 Why courage? From a man’s point of view, it takes courage to openly grieve in public, to let tears fall when they may. The male credo is all too often to ‘soldier on’, ‘stiff upper lip’. Grief and grieving are all too often not seen as part of manliness. Men need the opportunity to grieve, to share their sorrow, though many are very reluctant. 

 How is it possible to live this courage daily in the wake of a tragic loss? A standpoint from faith makes it possible to pursue serenity, and courage. Loved ones still with us can provide encouragement (see the ‘courage’ in there?), and focusing on our daily chores as opportunities for ministry to others can provide a different viewpoint. This is not an easy task, and some days will be almost impossible. Those left behind have a responsibility, an obligation, to continue to speak for those who somehow lost their voice in the struggle with addiction.

Mail, Mail, and More Mail

 Today the mailman delivered another letter; another letter addressed to Mark. Each time a new piece of correspondence comes for him, the wound is reopened, the scars cut new, fresh blood flows, and the cycle repeats itself - over and over and over. 

Fines owed for traffic tickets, monies owed on utility bills, and other unsettled debts are more than prevalent with someone who has a substance use disorder - this isn't news for anyone who has lived with this person. 

Grief becomes more and more compounded as each new inquiry, letter, or collection threat comes in the daily mail. Letters sent back in reply about our loved ones passing go unacknowledged, and then more letters arrived. The cycle continues in the world of depersonalized automation where 'systems' do not connect and data is just not updated. 

Just how long will this continue?

A Sequence of Days - 2 years later

 Day 1 seemed without end - tears, crying, holding each other, praying, saying the Rosary - both of us unable to function at all. Doug and Anna drove us home. Hours spent on the phone talking with family, sharing the bad news. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 2 is a blur. All the family met with the funeral director - a long time friend, never thinking this would be necessary - yet there we all were. Tears, crying, holding each other, more praying. We spent time with Mark. He was dressed in his favorite shirt and tie. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 3 saw more guests arrive to express their condolences. Some folks surprised us with special recognitions for Mark. It brings some comfort to know he is remembered forever in a special Mass the Marian Society offers. So much food we did not have to bother cooking - this meant we could spend time with each other and friends. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 4 was filled with anticipation, dread, more tears, crying, holding each other, more praying. We all prepared for THAT day, the next day. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

So many family and friends gathered together on Day 5. Some could barely contain the tears, others did not bother. Many shared stories about their beloved friend and brother - much laughter, much tears. Leigh was very brave as she spoke about Mark, I could not stop crying - still can´t. That final moment - none of us wanted to leave him - still cannot believe this happened - the acceptance is finally settling in, though sometimes we think about calling him or sending him a text. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

This scenario repeats itself year after year. The ¨ambushing waves of grief¨ capture us both and separately so many times during the day, and June 1st through June 5th have been especially difficult. So many family and friends remember with us to keep his memory alive, and we are so grateful for our faith, and the love of our Holy Mother, and our Father in Heaven. 

Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Thanks to Janis Gibbs for the ´ambushing waves of grief´. 

A Moment in Time Reprise

 Grief frozen in time.

Where is that precious moment of last contact?

And then memory replays the scene - the setting, the time of the day, the sounds - of their voice, the background noise, our last words, our last looks, the last conversation. These memories become welded, and engraved into our hearts. 

Nothing short of death will erase these memories from the land of the living, and then these memories will be transformed into the land of the never dying where new memories will form forever. 

There is no 'moving on' from these memories. They are meant to be held, and cherished as long as life lasts. 

A Moment in Time

 

Grief frozen in time, at the exact moment, at the second, at the minute, at the hour, at the day, the month, the year, never unfrozen, always unyielding, and unforgiving. 

Grief frozen in time. We move forward, aging, growing older; the grief we bear remaining at that moment of deepest despair - frozen.

The empty shallowness of time closes in, almost suffocating. Where is that precious moment of last contact? Where is that moment of lost hope? A dark shadow pool tries to cover both, a despair burdock, poison ivy, stinging nettle black poison mushroom blanket with no comfort.

And then imagination halts in unbelief that time has moved on since. How long has it really been since the passing on?

Has it really been that long? Timeless tears fall again, and time moves on.

The Legacy

 Today's post is short and sweet. 

How do we gauge a person's reaction to someone who dies from an overdose? What is the usual response?

 (And yes, I have been guilty of this in the past - a grossly under educated past of deep ignorance about substance use disorders. I beg your forgiveness about this!) 

Yes, we know many respond with disgust, a flame of stigma, and no compassion at their untimely passing, but here's the other side.

Our loved ones also left behind a tremendous legacy! 

They have left behind a legacy of love in children, grandchildren, their smiles and loving attitudes, their skills - cooking, music, the arts, and the profound impact of love to those in their lives. 

There is no shame or stigma with these aspects of their lives; why then should their passing leave a black mark on their existence? 

The obvious answer is there is NO STIGMA then with their passing. Addiction, substance use disorder, is a disease of the body and mind.

Missing Angels

 Missing Angels 

Leigh and I have been on this grief journey since June 1, 2019, the day our son Mark passed from a substance use overdose. There have been times when we were angry, sad, frustrated, and depressed - sometimes separately, sometimes all at once. 

There are so many others who have shared this experience, and too many who are, and sadly will. This madness of the opioid epidemic has to stop! 

Orleans Recovery - Hope Begins Here offered 'Missing Angels' as a program to help those coping with grief from a substance use passing. Orleans Recovery has approved our continuing this program as an outreach to the citizens of Orleans County, Genesee County, Western Monroe County, and Eastern Niagara County in Western New York. We are happy to do this, to be A Voice For Mark, in this continuing struggle. 

Missing Angels meets twice a month, once in an online meeting, and then in-person. We welcome any and all who have gone through this horrible experience of living with, and losing, a loved one who has suffered with, and died from a substance use disorder. 

Please contact Leigh and I for details on where and when we hold the meetings. You are not alone in this.