A Moment in Time Reprise

 Grief frozen in time.

Where is that precious moment of last contact?

And then memory replays the scene - the setting, the time of the day, the sounds - of their voice, the background noise, our last words, our last looks, the last conversation. These memories become welded, and engraved into our hearts. 

Nothing short of death will erase these memories from the land of the living, and then these memories will be transformed into the land of the never dying where new memories will form forever. 

There is no 'moving on' from these memories. They are meant to be held, and cherished as long as life lasts. 

A Moment in Time

 

Grief frozen in time, at the exact moment, at the second, at the minute, at the hour, at the day, the month, the year, never unfrozen, always unyielding, and unforgiving. 

Grief frozen in time. We move forward, aging, growing older; the grief we bear remaining at that moment of deepest despair - frozen.

The empty shallowness of time closes in, almost suffocating. Where is that precious moment of last contact? Where is that moment of lost hope? A dark shadow pool tries to cover both, a despair burdock, poison ivy, stinging nettle black poison mushroom blanket with no comfort.

And then imagination halts in unbelief that time has moved on since. How long has it really been since the passing on?

Has it really been that long? Timeless tears fall again, and time moves on.

The Legacy

 Today's post is short and sweet. 

How do we gauge a person's reaction to someone who dies from an overdose? What is the usual response?

 (And yes, I have been guilty of this in the past - a grossly under educated past of deep ignorance about substance use disorders. I beg your forgiveness about this!) 

Yes, we know many respond with disgust, a flame of stigma, and no compassion at their untimely passing, but here's the other side.

Our loved ones also left behind a tremendous legacy! 

They have left behind a legacy of love in children, grandchildren, their smiles and loving attitudes, their skills - cooking, music, the arts, and the profound impact of love to those in their lives. 

There is no shame or stigma with these aspects of their lives; why then should their passing leave a black mark on their existence? 

The obvious answer is there is NO STIGMA then with their passing. Addiction, substance use disorder, is a disease of the body and mind.

Missing Angels

 Missing Angels 

Leigh and I have been on this grief journey since June 1, 2019, the day our son Mark passed from a substance use overdose. There have been times when we were angry, sad, frustrated, and depressed - sometimes separately, sometimes all at once. 

There are so many others who have shared this experience, and too many who are, and sadly will. This madness of the opioid epidemic has to stop! 

Orleans Recovery - Hope Begins Here offered 'Missing Angels' as a program to help those coping with grief from a substance use passing. Orleans Recovery has approved our continuing this program as an outreach to the citizens of Orleans County, Genesee County, Western Monroe County, and Eastern Niagara County in Western New York. We are happy to do this, to be A Voice For Mark, in this continuing struggle. 

Missing Angels meets twice a month, once in an online meeting, and then in-person. We welcome any and all who have gone through this horrible experience of living with, and losing, a loved one who has suffered with, and died from a substance use disorder. 

Please contact Leigh and I for details on where and when we hold the meetings. You are not alone in this.

Reassuring Dreams

 

After a loved one passes, we often look for the reassurance of a better place where they are, and waiting for us. 

Some believe the Lord of Heaven sends dreams in the night to instruct us (Psalms 16:7), or to give us peace (Bible Promises About Dreams). 

Parents, families, and friends who have lost a loved one to substance use overdose all too often are searching for this reassurance of a 'better' place, a 'healing' place, where there loved one is no longer suffering or in pain

This dream came to me early Monday morning. In the dream, someone came and told me Mark had    passed away. I argued, crying, he had not. The next moment he walked through the door, and I said,   "See, he is very much alive."

Perhaps the reassurance Job received in his trials can apply to us even today. "I know that my Redeemer lives." I know Mark and I shall be reunited one day, and what a happy reunion that will be!

Leigh and I hope that sharing our experiences will bring peace and comfort to those who are suffering grief, as we are.

A Christmas Longing

The memories of Christmas Past are a mix of good, happy memories, and testing, trying times. The house is full of decorations, lights all over, and the centerpiece– the tree – decked out in its full glory. Our Hope for this Christmas season often combines our memories of Christmases past, our expectation for this Christmas, and a wish for Christmases to come. Our Christmas longing may contain a wish, a desire, to see loved ones again, especially in this year, 2020, with pandemic restrictions on gatherings. For many, this longing may contain a memory of those who have passed away, whom we dearly miss. For some of the many, there is the shocking memory of those who have passed away from substance overdose. Our longing to see them, to be with them, may at times overshadow our need and desire to be with family and friends who are still with us. Our son, Mark, passed away on June 1st, 2019, and we miss him. This is our second Christmas without him, and it is no easier than Christmas 2019. We miss his cooking, his laugh, his smile, his joyful interaction with his sister, his brothers, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. Our longing is to see him again, more so than any other family or friend who has passed before, as he was a part of us. Our faith reassures us when we next see our loved ones, and especially our son Mark, it will be a most joyful reunion; and every day, every month, every year will be a continual, never ending Christmas!

Substance Use Disorder: Stress in Relationships

 Our son, Mark, passed on June 1, 2019 from a drug overdose. There are no easy ways to talk about addiction, substance use disorder.

Short term stress occurs in the presence of financial problems, health issues, employment concerns, marital relationships, or even in the midst of political campaigns. Typically the stress resolves in a 'reasonable' amount of time, not always favorably to all involved, but there is resolution.

With substance use disorder, the stress is more often longer term, over years, not months, and reaches deep into family and friend relationships. Each of us deals differently with this long term stress. Perhaps it affects parents most of all, and as each person is their own individual, it affects each person, husband, wife, or partner to a different degree, depending on the time, day, or season. And then the questions, the questions which repeatedly come to mind:  what time would he be home? Who was he with? Where was he? Was he safe? Later would come the questions is he okay, or is he in jail? The worst question was:  is he alive? 

One day we knew that answer.

All too often couples lose sight of the needs of their relationship first, and become enabling or codependent with the person with the substance use disorder, and either one or the other, or both, may fall into this pitfall. This often leads to the questions do we become addicted ourselves to the stress and drama in our relationship with the person with substance use disorder, and need our daily 'fix' of worry, drama, or heightened concern? Do we lose sight of the negative impact of long term stress, or do we think, incorrectly, that experiencing this personal stress may lead to their recovery, as if this is a necessary sacrifice on our part? (Chronic Effects of Long Term Stress)

Each person with substance use disorder finds their own path to recovery, or does not. Our stress adds nothing to their recovery. Our stress damages ourselves, and our relationship with each other. Sadly, the person with substance use disorder does not always recognize this interpersonal stress, which their family or friends experience, and if they do, it does not add anything to their recovery, and may even heighten their own worry about recovery. (Stress in Recovery). 

It seems one of the milestones of treatment leading to recovery should also include parents, family, and friends, and dealing with their interpersonal stress as a result of substance use disorder.