The Town Herald - Again

 The 'opioid crisis' has its roots in the 1990's according to some sources. Opioid use has been with us for centuries - the first 'opium dens' had their roots in the Far East, Afghanistan or Pakistan, and eventually made their way to China, and then the West. Opioids do have their place - pain relief - which helps some, and destroys other.

Senator Chuck Schumer is at it again, but this time, instead of just mouthing platitudes, may be on track to start meaningful sanctions against the two biggest producers and exporters of synthetic opioids, like fentanyl, car-fentanyl, ketamine, etc., Mexico and China! (The State Department advises against travels to these countries - there is no surprise!)

We are in a war, a war for the lives of our children. Leigh and I fought hard and long for our son, Mark. Opioids, cheap opioids like synthetic fentanyl, were the victors - this time! It is about time our Federal Government takes the first meaningful steps to stop the import of these deadly drugs.

Economic sanctions should not be the only steps taken - these may prove ineffective. A war is not won with sanctions or appeasement alone - ask Prime Minister Chamberlain. There are times when real patriots must take their stand - stand their ground and defend their loved ones!

The Senator's proposal has passed the Senate, and the House should take up this bill. It is about time! Here are links to the news - https://www.cbsnews.com/newyork/news/schumer-urges-house-to-take-up-bill-that-imposes-sanctions-on-countries-that-fail-to-crack-down-on-synthetic-opioid-production/ and a Western New York/Orleans County perspective.

Please pray these measures are enacted into law, and that they are effective. It is time to take the fight to the exporters of these poisons!

The Price of the Gold Standard

 The medical Gold Standard for treating opioid addiction is with the use of medications, like Suboxone (buprenorphine/naloxone). Cash prices for this prescription medicine range from $87 to $209 CASH, after having paid for a doctor's visit to a doctor who is qualified to dispense Suboxone. 

Do you think maybe the doctor charges extra for this service as extra training is required? For the love of Pete (whoever he is!) - what extra training? 

Oh yes - another Government mandate - there are too many of these boondoggles!

Folks with an addiction who want to change their lifestyle and habits, all too often find it less expensive to continue using. It is not a matter of will power, personality, or any other factor - money, money, money. 

Cash to pay the doctor. Cash to buy the medicine. Cash for a repeat visit. Cash! Cash! Cash! And then cash to buy more dope.

So much money has been allocated over the years, and is spent continually each year through law enforcement funding, attorney general funding (AG James and Narco Ring), local attorneys, etc. etc. etc. to combat the OPIOD CRISIS. (The Real Cost). $5.5 Billion in the Federal budget last year, $1.5 billion this year.

Using GOODRX.com, $1.5 billion would provide 44,117,647 doses of Suboxone each year - FREE. This number does not include the monies spent at the state level each year as noted previously.

Isn't it about time that someone in charge takes harm reduction through medicine to the next real level?

How many more need to die!

Has it been that long?

June 1, 2019

Has it really been that long since you have been gone? It seems just like yesterday. We shared this the other night as we lay together in bed. How long has it been? The pain and grief has not diminished - not one bit - still aching, burning. 

Some days are somewhat okay, others are just plain horrible. We pray for peace and comfort, only finding grace in the promise of a joyful reunion in the future.

Has it really been that long?

 

Suffering for God

 

The saints, true saints, have a different perspective on suffering than us 'mere mortal' Christians. Saint Padre Pio said that only through suffering can our soul say with certainty that we do love God.

Does any one of us truly seek suffering? Suffering comes our way in living our life with all the bad moments. Some suffering continues for years, especially with the loss of a loved one to addiction or disease. 

It could be that saints are given a gift of more tolerance for suffering. When trials come which cause suffering, this may be God's chosen method to prepare us to become more like the saints and martyrs.

A Joyful Reunion!!

 

From Martha Hickman's _Healing After Loss_ for August 5. This speaks to all of us.

"My wife of 57 years was buried today beside our son, who died in 1941 as a result of a truck accident when he was hitchhiking to take a job. She has longed for him all these years, and now she is with him. I know they are embraced in happiness." Terry Kay

"... none of dies alone - that our loved ones come to greet us, to welcome us to the other side."

"It is a hope I cherish - to rejoin my loved ones."

Amen and Amen!

Grief Goes On And On

Leigh wrote this as a post on Facebook. 

"This and more just never stops! We miss our Mark Kinsey so much! I thought I was stronger than this! Yes, I am having a pity party and I'm mad! Thank goodness I have Jesus and He comforts me, but this time of year is so very hard. My husband, children and grandchildren are my life. There is nothing more precious than this, but when you lose a child and grandchild it sneaks up on you every. single. day! Doesn't matter what time of day or night or where you are, it just happens. Then I'm down on my knees praying to our Father and He never fails to assure me my loved ones are with Him. For that I am grateful! There are several other Moms out there who live with this every day. Know you and yours are being prayed for and that our Lord will comfort you also."

Chuck:  The grief pit of despair seems bottomless on many days. Without faith, how would we survive? It is more than just putting one foot in front of the other; surviving grief means looking to an outside source for strength and encouragement.

Family Pictures

We had a family gathering last weekend to celebrate birthdays - our grandson's 13th, and my 70th. It was a very special day. Cake, ice cream, family gathered and sharing, guitar music - we couldn't ask for a more special day. Our daughter from Albany surprised us with a visit - this made us both cry!

And ... we took many pictures to capture the day, and a special one of four of our smiling, loving, happy children together.

It hit me again this morning!

No Mark. He wasn't here. He should be there with his sister and brothers, laughing and smiling. He wasn't there. Stupid damn drugs!

Stupid drugs, heroin, fentanyl, and marijuana took him away from his loving family. 

Stupid people who sold him drugs as a living, stupid drugs misused and mass produced to make money.

He needed help. So many need help. 

The government preaches 'OPIOID CRISIS'; their money is not where there mouth is! Too many are caught and need help. Our voices must rise up together to transform inaction!!

We have to hope, and believe we will see him again when we pass from this earth. Maybe the pain will lessen. 

The Pain Keeps Coming!

 Just when you think the pain 'might' be manageable

Just when you think you could breathe a little

WHAM!

A letter comes.
It says the person who sold our son fentanyl, disguised as heroin, is being released from jail. They have served their time.

OH YEAH? Our serving our time with our grief NEVER ENDS!
The ambushing waves of grief never stop! Never fade! 

Always hurt!      Always Hurt!      Always Hurt!

Leigh and I pray those who are selling drugs - KILLING PEOPLE SLOWLY - would find another line of work, another business. 

We cannot find an end to our pain, our grief, the anticipation of no new memories, and the pain of holding onto memories! The grief we feel NEVER ENDS.

January 2022 Courage In The Face of Abject Grief

Courage in the face of grief, especially at the passing of a loved one, a son, daughter, or other family member may seem to be the last item one would need to consider. Emotions have run from denial to despair to acceptance within a brief time, multiple times a day, and perhaps courage would be the last emotion on the list to be given any consideration at all. In truth, courage may be one of the most important emotions to have, to gather, and to seek from others. 

 Why courage? Ronald Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer asks our Higher Power, God, to help us to focus on courage, “courage to change what must be altered”, especially when enduring stressful times. Thinking back over the events following our son Mark’s passing on June 1, 2019, there were so many times Leigh and I prayed for mercy, understanding, and used the Serenity Prayer (especially me! Along with the Hard As Nails prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”) to give us strength, and courage. Leigh and I needed courage to speak with others on the phone about Mark, plan his funeral and our eulogies, events following, and then to handle his material possessions. We both need courage every day to continue to advocate for others with a substance use disorder, and to help persons seeking grief recovery through Missing Angels. 

 Why courage? From a woman’s point of view, Leigh has said courage is needed as there are other children, grandchildren, and family who need comfort and care, and it is not possible to just give up. Waking up each morning and working through the day requires courage. 

 Why courage? From a man’s point of view, it takes courage to openly grieve in public, to let tears fall when they may. The male credo is all too often to ‘soldier on’, ‘stiff upper lip’. Grief and grieving are all too often not seen as part of manliness. Men need the opportunity to grieve, to share their sorrow, though many are very reluctant. 

 How is it possible to live this courage daily in the wake of a tragic loss? A standpoint from faith makes it possible to pursue serenity, and courage. Loved ones still with us can provide encouragement (see the ‘courage’ in there?), and focusing on our daily chores as opportunities for ministry to others can provide a different viewpoint. This is not an easy task, and some days will be almost impossible. Those left behind have a responsibility, an obligation, to continue to speak for those who somehow lost their voice in the struggle with addiction.

Mail, Mail, and More Mail

 Today the mailman delivered another letter; another letter addressed to Mark. Each time a new piece of correspondence comes for him, the wound is reopened, the scars cut new, fresh blood flows, and the cycle repeats itself - over and over and over. 

Fines owed for traffic tickets, monies owed on utility bills, and other unsettled debts are more than prevalent with someone who has a substance use disorder - this isn't news for anyone who has lived with this person. 

Grief becomes more and more compounded as each new inquiry, letter, or collection threat comes in the daily mail. Letters sent back in reply about our loved ones passing go unacknowledged, and then more letters arrived. The cycle continues in the world of depersonalized automation where 'systems' do not connect and data is just not updated. 

Just how long will this continue?

A Sequence of Days - 2 years later

 Day 1 seemed without end - tears, crying, holding each other, praying, saying the Rosary - both of us unable to function at all. Doug and Anna drove us home. Hours spent on the phone talking with family, sharing the bad news. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 2 is a blur. All the family met with the funeral director - a long time friend, never thinking this would be necessary - yet there we all were. Tears, crying, holding each other, more praying. We spent time with Mark. He was dressed in his favorite shirt and tie. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 3 saw more guests arrive to express their condolences. Some folks surprised us with special recognitions for Mark. It brings some comfort to know he is remembered forever in a special Mass the Marian Society offers. So much food we did not have to bother cooking - this meant we could spend time with each other and friends. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Day 4 was filled with anticipation, dread, more tears, crying, holding each other, more praying. We all prepared for THAT day, the next day. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

So many family and friends gathered together on Day 5. Some could barely contain the tears, others did not bother. Many shared stories about their beloved friend and brother - much laughter, much tears. Leigh was very brave as she spoke about Mark, I could not stop crying - still can´t. That final moment - none of us wanted to leave him - still cannot believe this happened - the acceptance is finally settling in, though sometimes we think about calling him or sending him a text. Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

This scenario repeats itself year after year. The ¨ambushing waves of grief¨ capture us both and separately so many times during the day, and June 1st through June 5th have been especially difficult. So many family and friends remember with us to keep his memory alive, and we are so grateful for our faith, and the love of our Holy Mother, and our Father in Heaven. 

Falling to our knees constantly in prayer.

Thanks to Janis Gibbs for the ´ambushing waves of grief´. 

A Moment in Time Reprise

 Grief frozen in time.

Where is that precious moment of last contact?

And then memory replays the scene - the setting, the time of the day, the sounds - of their voice, the background noise, our last words, our last looks, the last conversation. These memories become welded, and engraved into our hearts. 

Nothing short of death will erase these memories from the land of the living, and then these memories will be transformed into the land of the never dying where new memories will form forever. 

There is no 'moving on' from these memories. They are meant to be held, and cherished as long as life lasts. 

A Moment in Time

 

Grief frozen in time, at the exact moment, at the second, at the minute, at the hour, at the day, the month, the year, never unfrozen, always unyielding, and unforgiving. 

Grief frozen in time. We move forward, aging, growing older; the grief we bear remaining at that moment of deepest despair - frozen.

The empty shallowness of time closes in, almost suffocating. Where is that precious moment of last contact? Where is that moment of lost hope? A dark shadow pool tries to cover both, a despair burdock, poison ivy, stinging nettle black poison mushroom blanket with no comfort.

And then imagination halts in unbelief that time has moved on since. How long has it really been since the passing on?

Has it really been that long? Timeless tears fall again, and time moves on.

The Legacy

 Today's post is short and sweet. 

How do we gauge a person's reaction to someone who dies from an overdose? What is the usual response?

 (And yes, I have been guilty of this in the past - a grossly under educated past of deep ignorance about substance use disorders. I beg your forgiveness about this!) 

Yes, we know many respond with disgust, a flame of stigma, and no compassion at their untimely passing, but here's the other side.

Our loved ones also left behind a tremendous legacy! 

They have left behind a legacy of love in children, grandchildren, their smiles and loving attitudes, their skills - cooking, music, the arts, and the profound impact of love to those in their lives. 

There is no shame or stigma with these aspects of their lives; why then should their passing leave a black mark on their existence? 

The obvious answer is there is NO STIGMA then with their passing. Addiction, substance use disorder, is a disease of the body and mind.

Missing Angels

 Missing Angels 

Leigh and I have been on this grief journey since June 1, 2019, the day our son Mark passed from a substance use overdose. There have been times when we were angry, sad, frustrated, and depressed - sometimes separately, sometimes all at once. 

There are so many others who have shared this experience, and too many who are, and sadly will. This madness of the opioid epidemic has to stop! 

Orleans Recovery - Hope Begins Here offered 'Missing Angels' as a program to help those coping with grief from a substance use passing. Orleans Recovery has approved our continuing this program as an outreach to the citizens of Orleans County, Genesee County, Western Monroe County, and Eastern Niagara County in Western New York. We are happy to do this, to be A Voice For Mark, in this continuing struggle. 

Missing Angels meets twice a month, once in an online meeting, and then in-person. We welcome any and all who have gone through this horrible experience of living with, and losing, a loved one who has suffered with, and died from a substance use disorder. 

Please contact Leigh and I for details on where and when we hold the meetings. You are not alone in this.

Reassuring Dreams

 

After a loved one passes, we often look for the reassurance of a better place where they are, and waiting for us. 

Some believe the Lord of Heaven sends dreams in the night to instruct us (Psalms 16:7), or to give us peace (Bible Promises About Dreams). 

Parents, families, and friends who have lost a loved one to substance use overdose all too often are searching for this reassurance of a 'better' place, a 'healing' place, where there loved one is no longer suffering or in pain

This dream came to me early Monday morning. In the dream, someone came and told me Mark had    passed away. I argued, crying, he had not. The next moment he walked through the door, and I said,   "See, he is very much alive."

Perhaps the reassurance Job received in his trials can apply to us even today. "I know that my Redeemer lives." I know Mark and I shall be reunited one day, and what a happy reunion that will be!

Leigh and I hope that sharing our experiences will bring peace and comfort to those who are suffering grief, as we are.

A Christmas Longing

The memories of Christmas Past are a mix of good, happy memories, and testing, trying times. The house is full of decorations, lights all over, and the centerpiece– the tree – decked out in its full glory. Our Hope for this Christmas season often combines our memories of Christmases past, our expectation for this Christmas, and a wish for Christmases to come. Our Christmas longing may contain a wish, a desire, to see loved ones again, especially in this year, 2020, with pandemic restrictions on gatherings. For many, this longing may contain a memory of those who have passed away, whom we dearly miss. For some of the many, there is the shocking memory of those who have passed away from substance overdose. Our longing to see them, to be with them, may at times overshadow our need and desire to be with family and friends who are still with us. Our son, Mark, passed away on June 1st, 2019, and we miss him. This is our second Christmas without him, and it is no easier than Christmas 2019. We miss his cooking, his laugh, his smile, his joyful interaction with his sister, his brothers, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. Our longing is to see him again, more so than any other family or friend who has passed before, as he was a part of us. Our faith reassures us when we next see our loved ones, and especially our son Mark, it will be a most joyful reunion; and every day, every month, every year will be a continual, never ending Christmas!

Substance Use Disorder: Stress in Relationships

 Our son, Mark, passed on June 1, 2019 from a drug overdose. There are no easy ways to talk about addiction, substance use disorder.

Short term stress occurs in the presence of financial problems, health issues, employment concerns, marital relationships, or even in the midst of political campaigns. Typically the stress resolves in a 'reasonable' amount of time, not always favorably to all involved, but there is resolution.

With substance use disorder, the stress is more often longer term, over years, not months, and reaches deep into family and friend relationships. Each of us deals differently with this long term stress. Perhaps it affects parents most of all, and as each person is their own individual, it affects each person, husband, wife, or partner to a different degree, depending on the time, day, or season. And then the questions, the questions which repeatedly come to mind:  what time would he be home? Who was he with? Where was he? Was he safe? Later would come the questions is he okay, or is he in jail? The worst question was:  is he alive? 

One day we knew that answer.

All too often couples lose sight of the needs of their relationship first, and become enabling or codependent with the person with the substance use disorder, and either one or the other, or both, may fall into this pitfall. This often leads to the questions do we become addicted ourselves to the stress and drama in our relationship with the person with substance use disorder, and need our daily 'fix' of worry, drama, or heightened concern? Do we lose sight of the negative impact of long term stress, or do we think, incorrectly, that experiencing this personal stress may lead to their recovery, as if this is a necessary sacrifice on our part? (Chronic Effects of Long Term Stress)

Each person with substance use disorder finds their own path to recovery, or does not. Our stress adds nothing to their recovery. Our stress damages ourselves, and our relationship with each other. Sadly, the person with substance use disorder does not always recognize this interpersonal stress, which their family or friends experience, and if they do, it does not add anything to their recovery, and may even heighten their own worry about recovery. (Stress in Recovery). 

It seems one of the milestones of treatment leading to recovery should also include parents, family, and friends, and dealing with their interpersonal stress as a result of substance use disorder. 

Mark

 "A fallen warrior is still a warrior"

I am the son who died from an overdose.

It breaks my heart, but I will say it.

I was an addict.

I was, and am, also a valuable human being.

Do not turn away from me.

I am not jinxed. It is not contagious. My presence and influence are no danger to you or yours.

Do not judge me.

This did not happen because I caused it, deserved it, or failed to stop it. I got pulled into something beyond my control, and I couldn’t pull out. I do not know why, and neither do you.

Do not tell me I should have tried harder.

You have no idea of my struggle. You have no idea of my desire. You have no idea how I fought my own body, my own mind, my own brain, my own demons to walk away and be free of drugs. A fallen warrior is still a warrior.

Do not judge my family.

My family was there for me throughout my struggle, and remain loyal to me now. They did not ‘raise me wrong’ or ‘fail to save me.’ My failure to get clean was not a lack of love for them or from them. They did what they could, often after everyone else had given up on me. I would not have stayed alive as long as I did without them.

Do not pity me.

I struggled, and watched my family struggle alongside me. I did not go down without a fierce struggle, and I did not go down alone. My legacy is safe in the hands of those who fought for me with a loyalty and a fierceness that most so-called ‘normal’ kids will never know,

Do not pity my family.

My family does not need pity. They deserve respect and support, but many will not offer that to them because of my addiction. Anyone who knows will understand the strength and character my family showed by staying by my side.

Do not question me.

I did the best I could. I do not know if things would have been different if I had done certain things differently or had different friends, and neither do you. If you have not lived it, you can never understand the intensity of my efforts. Losing the battle with addiction is not a reflection of my desire to win or the strength I used to fight it. Addiction is a mightier enemy than you can ever know.

Do not blame me.

If you have not lived through this, you are not qualified to tell me why I became an addict, why I continued to return to the drugs, or why I could not quit. Your opinion would be based on nothing but your own ideas. I lived this struggle, and I could not answer those questions any more than a cancer patient could tell you why they developed cancer or why it could not be cured. Addiction is a physical and mental disease.

Do not tell me you understand.

There are very few people in my life who can say they understand my struggle or the struggle of my loved ones. Be grateful you cannot. There is only one way to understand, and you do not want to go there.

Do not think that you are more loving/ loved/stronger or more considerate than I was.

I loved my mother, and she loved me. I loved my father and he loved me. I loved my sister, Anna Kemp, my brothers, Charlie, Tom and Michael. I loved my aunts and uncles. I loved, adored, my nieces and nephews. I loved my girlfriend. They were my life. This is not a problem which can be solved by love. Love and addiction are not connected. You would have to live our struggle to ever understand the love and the effort that were involved on all sides.

Do not congratulate yourself and your family as being better than me or mine.

If you and your family have avoided the demon of addiction, you are lucky. Addiction can happen to anyone, anywhere, any time. It is found in broken homes and happy ones. It is found in the ghetto and in palaces. It victimizes the smart, the ignorant, the strong, the weak, the brave and the timid. It affects male and female, young and old, Black, White, Latino and Asian. Addiction, like cancer, chooses its victims blindly and from all walks of life.

I am the the son who died from an overdose.

I am a loved and valuable human being..my life mattered.

My name is Mark David Kinsey

Sunrise: 1/9/84

Sunset: 6/1/19

FOREVER 35

August is Overdose Awareness month

**I am not the author**

1Charlie Kinsey

Find Help

People in the midst of a crisis, experiencing a relapse from recovery from a substance use disorder, all too often do not know where to turn.

Help is avaible!

You could be in the Big Apple - help is available!

Or in Rochester - help is available!

Not sure where to turn? Call Mom. Call Dad. Call an Aunt or Uncle. Call SOMEONE! 

Please call someone before it is too late! The world is a better place with you, than without.

Have you lost your faith? Help is available! 

You are not alone in your struggles - you do not have to 'go it alone!